Thoughts of Death and Suicide and Other Old Posts Dug from the Grave of Some Websites

Old Posts Dug from the Grave of Some Other Websites:


  1. Thoughts of Death and Suicide
  2. Side Dish Dreams
  3. What You Do is What You Teach
  4. Basics in a Technical Account


Thoughts of Death and Suicide
First posted online Monday, September 10th, 2007
No, it was written earlier (1998?)





Thoughts of Death and Suicide

Death is the only inevitable escape for a prisoner of failure as my life. Yet I’m afraid of neither suicide nor any attempt of it. I hate a slow death that hanging one’s self upon a rope brings; of the pain and useless struggle of he who tries to loosen the executor tied around his neck, when he already kicked any chair whatsoever to a rather distant place that his feet couldn’t reach no more. Nor do I long to follow Dido’s footsteps to dagger my own heart because of a cherished one’s departure. She was left by Aeneas; I was left by peace of mind, by success, by sanity.

Is there any other way to end one’s life? Ah! Veronal sounds appetizing yet I couldn’t stand seeing myself in convulsions as if I was chewing and blowing a bubblegum with all those bubbles of poison in my mouth! Blade-cut my pulse? Believe me, I might just wound my arms to the first skin layer and pour unto it an alcohol or Betadine for less pain. Jump from a high-story building or be run over by a vehicle? No way! I’m not an ancient hero who dies violently, with all those scars, bruises and broken bones, for a noble purpose. There’s no nobility in taking one’s life, the life which was only borrowed from some Being. Besides, such poor body will be from a poor soul if she will be physically injured to death.

Finally, though, comes Cleopatra and her advice for the least painful way or method of death: exposing one’s self to a bite from a poisonous cobra. This ain’t a sweet talk ‘coz she had many slaves killed to discover the fastest and least painful death, from which she did herself. Damn! If only this is possible for me yet cobras are in scarcity here in my country. Snake locale? Nah! I already said before that these crawlers flee when one needs them. Besides, I won’t die from it. I have a neighbor whose feet a-bitten by a semi-blind snake (as they all are) and recovered from the painful stance after a few months.

I wish I’d just die a natural death without my need of killing myself for all suicidal techniques fail my taste and reason. Maybe a sudden death, unexplainable, just so my heart would cease to beat even without any reason whatsoever. Or from something comprehendible, say, an incurable disease. Although I hate a slow death, this is an exception to the rule. Anything could be really, as long as it isn’t violent, gruesome, forceful or by my hands. So long as it’s by the hands of Him who gave me this life.

And for what reason do I want to cease to live, let it be buried with me to my grave; and whatever shall be the price, let me pay for it on judgment day. Lest there shall from some fragment of light in my heart remains, grow a luminous ray of hope which I don’t see right now. That’s the only key to the bolt of this prison cell of failure I have trapped myself into. Time alone could answer the question of how long I could wait for hope, when hope is all a dying song in my heart, fading through the cold and damp.





Dreams Set Aside
Monday, February 25th, 2008

Dreams Set Aside
Writings While On Avail

Looking back over the years that were, let me put my thoughts into words. One, it had been a long time since I last wrote a long and descriptive entry to a journal. It had also been a long time since I last wrote a poem or a song. I don’t really know why I had seemed to quit or say, had a break doing these things I had loved to do. Was it because I had been busy with the world outside me: work, family and friends that I had set aside the world inside me: my thoughts, ideas, experiences, hobbies, talents? Was it because I had lost the drive which pushed me to bare into written words my wholeness and brokenness? I don’t really know. I don’t really have answers to my own questions.

What gave me the lust for writing in the first place? Mostly my dream ever since childhood maybe to be famous, to meet and be cheek-to-cheek with famous people and to make a fortune out of it. When I grew up and made more acquiantance with the outside world, I realized that it wasn't as simple as I thought it was. It takes talent sharpened and honed to fire, it takes time, concentration and focus, sometimes it takes money to support it, or at times, sheer luck to create a famous song or literary write up.

Unfortunately for me, I don’t have that much luck, money and pure passion for these dreams. I even get so lazy about it that after years gone by, amidst past plans to have those writings edited and published, they remain as unfinished writings on a scrap notebook. Adding on the music side, what I can only play is basic flute, basic organ, and frustrated plucking on guitars after years of laziness, lack of time or needing finances to support it.

Also, in as much as I enjoyed my loner, writing down thoughts on paper style, I have also enjoyed mingling and socializing with people. Not that I’m saying only autistic type of people become successful writers for I know that not all great ones are as isolated as most are but admit it or not this is often the case. I have seen that happen in myself at least. The more I write materials with potential, the more I am away from the world where I live in. Well, I still prefer to be alone even now but then again not as necessity but as a solitary privilege to communicate with myself from within.

Fact is, I haven’t even seen my songs and poems or writings for a few months now. I live up in the north of my country now for more than four months and I actually left my notebooks of poems and literary writings down at my family’s provincial home. I don’t even remember where I kept my notebook of songs. I am not sure if I already lost it or so. My ex-boyfriend who founded a local band said most of my songs have potentials. I have posted some of my poems on some poetry sites over the internet but that would be as far as i have done. I haven’t earned a penny from any.

Speaking of penny, I have worked odd jobs from burger and fruit shake stands to RTW stores and now to call centers. I am unusually content with earnings I get though modest they are. I do plan to work abroad to earn more so I could help myself, my family and the family I hope to raise in time. Of course, that will make me rich in a way (hehe…) and help me achieve those hidden, side dish type of dreams to have my poems or writings published or recorded.

I will not blame it against life nor myself nor anyone else for that matter if in case these so called dreams are not gonna be fulfilled in my lifetime. I will accept that as destiny. Also, these dreams are not merely dreams for money or fame purposes but also as a means of therapy for my guilt stricken heart and lunatic, paranoiad thoughts. So feeling sane as I am today, I know those writings have and will continue to have served their use in helping me get back on track.

Aside from these, I have also lost the same enjoyment I get from watching movies, television shows, reading books and stuffs, sound tripping for music over the radio and other sources, and surfing on the internet. It could be because I had been too busy working from one job to another unlike before when I don’t really have anything to do but stay in the house when I didn’t have work or when I was enrolling in college but not attending classes that there was no lessons to study at night (Aha!). It could also be that i found something else more important and more enjoyable than these. Or that my eyes were finally opened to the truth that these are merely tools for entertainment and not something wherewith my world should revolve around with. It could be all of these reasons and maybe even more.

Not that I have succumbed to just focusing on work and on the people I love and care for that I have seemed to leave behind myself and the things I enjoyed before. It does not even mean that I no longer enjoy life itself. It's just changing focus or priority maybe and I know that it did not made me less of a person when I did so. I still enjoy life and all its ups and downs.
I want to raise a family soon enough with this guy I am with (whom I love that much even though he does not seem to notice it as much as I would show him about it hehe…).

We have plans about this anyway. We also have plans on going abroad, have a business of our own, earning money, helping our families, and all those things. He is definitely not the perfect guy unlike some fictional characters portrayed on T.V. or on books that I have seen and read, in fact I have hated him a lot of times for all the stupid bitches he wasted his time with. Just the same, I love him as he is. He is sick and I simply hope and pray that it will not get worst and he will be healed. I picture myself growing with him and no one else.

Let me end this narrative with an imaginary toast to life as I see it and as I enjoy it: Regardless of who I was in the past, who I am today and who I may be in future. I give thanks to God who is overseer over time, space and everything else.





Teachers Should Be Role Models
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008

I have always regarded teachers with the utmost respect except for this one girl who made me think twice. My sister is a teacher and she had always lived her life with the dignity worthy of her profession. Yes, there may have been a few teachers in my life that I had scorned for their lapses but I have resolved that they are just isolated cases and I do know that those past school teachers of mine may just have had a bad day like every human does or that they are just imposing strictness so I would understand the rules.

I am sure that some of you can personally point certain teachers as a disgrace to their profession, I too can. This girl who made me think twice is someone I never met personally. The most that I know about her is that she was doing an on the job practice when a guy I know met her. She had also passed the Licensure Examination for Teachers back in 2006. It was the same year when they met and parted ways.

What is so disgusting is the painful truth that she was like a prostitute. She gave her virginity away for thousands of pesos. It appeared as if it was not given as a payment for the intercourse because they had a special relationship then. Also, the money was not given all at one time pay but she received it on separate occassions as if it was allowance for college.

Whatever is the case, she still got the money anyway and she was the one who asked for it. I doubt that her parents cannot support her because the aforementioned college is a government school. In fact, my sister graduated on that same state university. It may be true, that my sister’s tuition fees during her batch is way lower than that of this girl that I am talking about but still it’s definitely not so much. Besides, could she not think of another way to earn money? My sister practically sold everything marketable including encyclopedia when she was in the same college. She had joined numerous direct selling groups and still managed to participate in voluntary civic oriented organizations in and outside the school.

Come on, it will not hurt this girl if she had thought about getting a decent part-time job like self supporting students do? She’s far worse than some university girls in Dagupan City who are clad in their college uniforms at day but are clad in nothing at all during the night. At least they take off their clothes to strangers and thinks of what they do as merely a job. But this girl whom I hate had treated this guy that I know like a sugar daddy from whom she can be able to get money from to support her whims and wants. Unfortunately for the guy, he had always believed her when she speaks as if she is the least fortunate of all. Even to this day, he still speaks highly of her inspite of what she did to him.

I should not be saying names or so but her name is Kristine. The state university mentioned above is in Pangasinan. I’m sure you can figure out what it is. In addition to that, this college is known for breeding outstanding teachers. I remember one of my English subject teachers in high school. He was himself a product of the same university. He was intelligent and he had influenced a lot of my classmates to become teachers themselves, whether or not they graduated in the same university as he did. He once narrated a story. It was about lower section students of our batch planning to take education as their college course. He told them to broaden their horizons and think of numerous professions available. Not that he is discriminating them because they were not the studious ones in school, but face it, what kind of students will they produce in the future if they themselves did not study well? That’s the reason why it was higher section students like us that he encouraged to become teachers instead.

Using the same analogy, what kind of students will this girl that I’m writing about produce when she becomes a professional teacher herself? Will she be bribed with money in exchange for grades? Will she molest her male students when she is horny? Face it too, she is definitely a disgrace to her degree. If you think of the bright side, she may still change for the better but that does not change the fact that what she did made her unworthy of the respectable teaching profession. 09/02/2008





Basics in a Technical Account
Monday, November 24th, 2008

We are inbound. We do not call customers, they call us. Not that we do not need them but they definitely need us (naks! yabang!). We are not billing, sales nor customer service. We are technical support. Although we are expected to balance troubleshooting with a customer service mindset, we often just do away with the technical aspect of the job. The main concern is to resolve the customer’s internet connection problem which is as good as “bullshitting (as well call it)” them. We may even simply “bullshit” the “cu” (as in customer) if we cannot resolve the issue anymore just to get very satisfied email survey responses.

When we say “bullshit,” we simply connect with the cu in a way where we can tickle their funny bones or converse with them as if we know them by heart. We are making acquiantance for the first time but we have to make sure this will leave a lasting impression for them to remember giving us passing scores in case they do receive a survey. Not only thus, they tend to soften up a bit and their attention is diverted from the issue we are working on going to whatever conversation we are trying to initiate. They get to understand very technical terms better when no longer irate nor upset and can easily be educated and becomes cooperative in performing often tedious troubleshooting steps.

I cannot speak for everyone but I do know one agent who builds rapport with cu’s so he can entertain himself. He said it burns work related stress and makes the job easier. We have to be honest too that unresponsive people are simply too boring and we would prefer to work with those who at least extend effort to understand our accent and our local way of saying things. We worry about grammar, pronounciation, enunciation, tone, volume, accent and all other communication skills related factors but face it, not all Americans are highly adjustable and some of them are not even native speaking ones: Spanish, French, Chinese or so. We just make the most out of those who respond well and respect the personality of those who don’t.

Technical knowledge should also be hand in hand with communication skills. We can talk all day long but not everyone needs it, others will prefer problem resolution. Some of us tend to believe that everyone who knows a little bit about computers is good enough for technical support. Fact is, we can be a geek but when we lack reasoning and technique then we are lost.

I can imagine a very intelligent computer with no emotion. It will only work based on computations and mathematical equation and what not but brains are not merely measured in numbers. The true measure of knowledge is experience best honed thru frequent practice. I don't wanna pat my own back but i did notice that the more I get calls and stay in this account under this line of business, the easier the job gets done everyday. An issue previously unfamiliar and difficult will be resolved in a whistle the next time it happens. If i will name the aspects behind this truth, I’d say: familiarity and perfection. Familiarity is like a total stranger becoming an acquiantance and eventually a friend with frequent contact. Whereas perfection, can be seen in a child learning to ride his first bike and ends up driving his car when he becomes an adult.
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